A Series of Irrational Thoughts

Sometimes my thoughts take me to the fantasy world of unicorns and fairies instead of down the hole. But whether positive or negative, my fantasy thoughts take me out of the present, and are just as unreal.

In which DukkhaGirl examines the wacky thought processes that send her into deep dukkha…

So, you’re trying to practice Zen.  Not just on the cushion, but in everyday life.  This is Zen practice, being here and now, right?  You’ve probably heard that Zen is not about self-improvement, becoming a “better person”, becoming less anxious, but blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada…this is why you started Zen practice in the first place.  You hope that maybe you’ll get to the point where you’re totally in the moment and practice just to practice, but – damnit ! –  you have to admit that you became interested in Zen because you saw yourself as a totally messed up person, but had hope that Zen would make you ________________ (fill in the blank – peaceful, tranquil, less anxious, more compassionate, enlightened, happier, hipper, cooler,  poetic, totally integrated and actualized…).  And maybe you are noticing some “side benefits” of your practice.  The people at work note that you are a person who seems calm and takes constant change in relative stride.  You yell at your family less.  You are able to “just do it” throughout your day without all the resistance you used to have – you still have preferences, but you’re able to do less “picking and choosing” and to just do what needs to be done.  You are on the way, right?  Next stop enlightenment city?

Think again.  This is when it happens. This is my day at work a few days ago.  Maybe you are not as neurotic as I am.  But just when I think I am starting to rock being in the here and now, a simple word or event can start snowballing into a downward spiral of thoughts which can turn into a pervasive avalanche of delusions.  I heard that Carl Jung said that, “Neurosis is the absence of legitimate suffering.”  Sometimes when I don’t really have any “legitimate” suffering in my life, it seems I need to drum some up.  We like our dramas – even the ones just in our heads.  They keep life interesting (maybe), but take us out of the here and now.

What happened is something like this:

At my job we work in “teams” of two primary team members, sometimes with a few other people involved and we are supposed to have a weekly meeting to discuss the “projects” we are working on.  However, due to staffing issues with my particular job, I’ve been on many other projects and unable to attend to my primary one.  Result:  our team has often not been meeting.  On the day of our usual meeting this week, I asked my teammate if we were going to meet this week.  The response? Something like:

“I don’t really see the point, you’re really not up to date on this project, anyway, but we can meet if you want.”

This was a very realistic, true statement.  I wasn’t up to date, and my co-worker would not have benefitted from this meeting.  Being very Zen-like and everything, I accepted it with great equanimity and acknowledged the truth of the statement, and agreed that we really didn’t need to meet.

Then a little thought slipped in:  “You don’t know what’s going on – and you should…it’s your responsibility.” (Discounting the fact that I’ve been too busy to do other than I’ve done).

Then my monkey mind grabbed hold of that thought and started to swing, and the fun began:

“He thinks I don’t have anything valuable to contribute.” (mind reading)

“Well, you don’t have anything valuable to contribute.”

“Meeting with me would have been a total time-waster…but he probably thinks it always is.”

“He thinks I’m a total airhead!”

“He doesn’t like me.”

“He wishes he had a different team member.”

“Who cares what he thinks!!!  Arrogance!” (sour grapes)

“Wow!  It’s a wonder that the University of ______ turned out such shining examples of (insert job title here) as me.  ” (sarcasm and self-criticism)

“I shouldn’t even be doing this job.”

“I’m an awful person.” (grandiose sweeping statement of self-worth, with sniffling tears beginning to form)

and then…realization of what I was doing.  Then the next thought starting to creep in.  “Ugh, I’m doing it again…I’m a horrible Zen student!”

But I was able to stop the next rollercoaster ride of thoughts right there.

One little thought led to another and to another until I was making overarching generalizations about myself, my job performance, my self-worth.   But here’s the important part – this time I was able to see the bullshit.  I was able, at some point, to catch myself and refute the logic of this argument ¹.  I was able to see the unreality – most of these thoughts were what many of our thoughts are – pure fantasy.

There’s an oft-quoted poem by Portia Nelson about recovery from addiction, that could apply equally to any of our habitual responses to life ².

There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

We all have our own particular holes that we fall into.  My own particular hole has been this type of thought process that can lead me into the downward spiral of depression.  That is — if the thoughts go unquestioned ³.  There’s a bumper sticker that says ⁴, “Don’t believe everything you think.”  I’m learning to be aware of when my thoughts are about to drop me down the hole or take me on a wild ride to fantasyland ⁵…somewhere between chapter two and three.

Is this Zen practice or is this cognitive-behavioral therapy?  Maybe some of both.   I see the process as similar to when we sit on the cushion and bring our minds back to the present again and again when our thoughts drift off.  We begin to be able to catch this drifting off sooner and sooner as it happens instead of getting lost in it.  This is training for the multitude of times that we do this when we are off the cushion –catching our attention as it drifts off –whether it be down the hole or fantasyland — and bringing our attention back to the here and now, stopping the series of irrational thoughts that are the cause of much of our dukkha.