Posts tagged gossip
No Speaking of the Faults of Others
01 year ago
The following is a quote from Taking the Path of Zen (one of the best introductory books to Zen practice out there, I think) by the late Robert Aitken Roshi. I’m including this right now both as a follow up to my previous post about gossip and because right now in my life I’m feeling a bit excluded 1and talked about and I’m really, really, trying to make sure I don’t respond in kind and indulge in gossip in turn. I found this short passage very clearly written as to why gossip is harmful (it can be found on p. 84 of the book):
Each individual is evolving and a fault can be the very place where the person can grow. This growth can be encouraged in many ways, but gossip leads to a stereotype and a folklore that divides the imperfect one from the rest of us. It blinds us to the development of maturity that our colleague may be cultivating through the very weakness that we condemn.
For example, if one of our friends becomes angry at the least provocation, that angry passion can with maturity be channeled into appropriate resistance to social injustice. But stereotypes such as “angry” may hinder our friend from maturing by prompting defensive justification. If the Tathagata is to be realized, we have to give him or her a chance.
I’d add that we also need to be careful not to label ourselves. The act of labeling ourselves or others is very limiting to freedom.
- In one specific social aspect. I really need to question myself why it bothers me that I’m not included in this group when it really isn’t a good “fit.” Makes me feel like I’m in middle school again. ↩
On Gossip
21 year ago
Gossip is a subject that has been coming up often lately in my life, one that relates back to the subjects of Right Speech. I’ve had it in the back of my mind to write about this subject for some time. Today, I walked into Barnes and Noble and browsed the magazine section. This month Tricycle magazine featured a few pieces about gossip, so I had to pick up a copy. This brought the subject back to the foreground of my mind and got me off my cushion (in other words, off my butt) and in front of my laptop.
Click here for the article by Nancy Baker at Tricycle magazine.
There are two sides in my neighborhood. There’s the “Desperate Housewives” side, and the “Quiet Side.” I live on the quiet side (I like to think of it as the peaceful, Zen side). There are pluses and minuses to both sides. This is a newer neighborhood and on the Desperate Housewives side of things, there has been camaraderie among many of the women; they are around the same age, have children around the same age, and seem to share a taste for ribald humor, drinking, and….gossip. There is also a great deal of drama and conflict – prime fodder for juicy gossip. On the quiet side, we are friendly but more distant. There are no cliques (though at least one person is a member of the Desperate Housewives posse), though there are some friendships and – as far as I know – there is nobody being singled out for exclusion (unless it’s me). There’s not the drama, but there’s not the community.
I know about the Desperate Housewives side, because they sometimes come over to the quiet side of the neighborhood. And with them, they bring gossip. The subjects range from which spouses they suspect of having affairs, to who is being too persistent in trying to include herself in one of the group member’s social lives (often tagged with statements like, “we’re not that close anyway, doesn’t she have anyone else she could call?”), to whose parenting they don’t approve of, along with more innocuous topics 1 When the gossip starts flying, I often feel uncomfortable, because, on one hand, there’s a real interest in hearing what’s going on, mixed with a temptation to join in. Yet, the fact is, gossip can hurt people.
So why gossip? There’s a reason gossip is sometimes called, “juicy.” Sometimes, there’s something almost luscious about getting your mind off your own problems by talking about other people’s. Gossip gives us something to talk about, a way to connect with the group. We’ve evolved as social animals, and gossip can give us a sense of social inclusion. It’s “us” vs. “them” and we want to be part of the “us,” like Michael worrying about being excluded from water cooler gossip on “The Office.” (more…)
- Like current events, who everyone would “do” (George Clooney! Tiger Woods! Angelina Jolie!), and updates on everyone’s lives. ↩
