Posts tagged metta

“Everyone is loving you perfectly,” the teacher at the Tibetan center liked to say to her class.  When she would say this, I would look at her skeptically, thinking about my own life, thinking about the world.  Had my father loved me perfectly when he would drink and become verbally abusive?  Did my ex-boyfriend love me perfectly when he wrote with Sharpie marker all over my car?  Were all the warring nations, lying politicians, murderers, etc. actually, beneath the surface of things actually practicing perfect love without realizing it?  Perhaps she would see my skeptical look, because she would then add on that that was the teaching – that even though at this level of reality it didn’t seem so, that at the ultimate level of reality everyone was, “loving us perfectly.”

Now, I understand this in some way.  There is this reality of forms and particulars and specifics and distinctions that we operate with on a daily basis.  This is the reality where we are separate selves, where “I” defend what’s “mine.” But on another level there aren’t all these boundaries and separations between ourselves and others, between us and nature, between one thing and another.  They’re formed by all these words, concepts, ideas that we attach to things.  These may allow us to function on a daily basis, but they also get in the way of seeing this level of reality.  Yet, saying that everyone is practicing perfect love seemed like a strange way to put it.  From a Buddhist perspective, though, unconditional love is true nature, who we are beneath all of the delusions with which we normally operate.

How often do we really practice unconditional love?  There are some people, undoubtedly, who are able to be more open to practicing unconditional love than, say…me.  Part of practicing unconditional love means being open, being willing to see beyond the surface of a person to this true nature.  This is very difficulty to do when you are feeling pain about the actions of another person.  Often some of the most difficult people in our lives to feel unconditional love for are those closest to us, because we have more attachment; we feel hurts and betrayals stronger.  If Sue finds out an acquaintance has been gossiping about her, she will feel hurt for a while, but can move on.  If she finds out her husband has been lying to her (for instance) about their bills, it’s a whole different level of hurt, and one that she’ll cling to much longer.  She might even start thinking about other negative things about him, thinking about old wounds and other disappointments…all things that just add an extra charge to the anger and hurt.  Maybe she even starts thinking about those 100 lbs he’s gained since they got married…and the fact that she does yoga and tries to keep in shape and meditates and is “peaceful” and all those times he’s complained because the house was less than perfectly clean and…and..and…  (while of course, he has an anger problem).  Pretty soon she has built a multi-layered wall between herself and her husband, which prevents her from communicating with her husband effectively about the original issue, or anything else, from a position of love rather than defensiveness.

I am not saying that practicing unconditional love means being a “doormat.”  Practicing compassion doesn’t mean that we let people do things that are harmful to us.   The Buddha said that, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” But, though I don’t do it well myself at this point, I believe it is possible to approach hurts and betrayals from a place of love for both ourselves and the person to whom we attribute our suffering (what causes me to suffer is, of course…me.  And the thoughts I have about my experiences).

Most of the time we work in relationships with what Charlotte Joko Beck in Everyday Zen ¹ refers to as ideas of exchange:  that I give this to you, and you will give something back to me.  We expect something in return for what we give in our relationships.  We spend our time cleaning up and expect our spouse to show us approval.  We think we’ve done well on a project at work and expect everyone to notice and give us praise.  We expect our kids to show us gratitude for the myriad things we do for them and then ask, “What’s their problem?” when they don’t show us the appreciation we think we deserve.  Most people do this.  I do this – a lot.  We also come to relationships with expectations about how other people should be and get disappointed and angry when they don’t behave as we think they should.

Unconditional love does not mean we have to like everybody  or approve of everything they do.  In The Practice of Love, John Welwood states:

…When I first started practicing therapy and found myself disliking certain clients or certain things about them, I felt guilty or hypocritical. But eventually I came to understand this in a new way. Unconditional love or loving-kindness did not mean that I always had to like my clients, any more than I liked all the twists and turns of my own scheming mind. Rather, it meant providing an accommodating space in which their knots could begin to unravel.

It was a great relief to realize that I did not have to unconditionally love or accept that which is conditioned—another’s personality. Rather, unconditional friendliness is a natural response to that which is itself unconditional—the basic goodness and open heart in others, beneath all their defenses, rationalizations, and pretenses. Unconditional love is not a sentiment, but a willingness to be open. It is not a love of personality, but the love of being, grounded in the recognition of the unconditional goodness of the human heart.

Buddhism does not teach, “detachment,” as some people might think…it teaches nonattachment. Detachment means “whatever…” — you don’t really care.  Nonattachment means that you realize everything changes, people come and go, and you are open to letting them be who they are, open to changes in your relationships even if it means letting that person go.

What keeps us from practicing unconditional love ?:

• Our views, which keep us in the delusion of being a separate, independent self or suggest to us a way things “should” be.
• Not being in the present.  Especially holding onto and revisiting past hurts again and again, letting them color the way we see ourselves and others right now ².  Or, dreaming about the way it might be in the future (and imagining a fantasy person instead of really seeing the one right in front of you).
• Self-hatred.  The Dalai Lama was surprised how much self-hatred westerners had because the concept was foreign to him ³.   When we are being critical, demanding, perfectionist with ourselves, it obstructs our ability to love others…yet sometimes loving ourselves seems to be the hardest thing to do.
• The expectation of reciprocity.  Often people do reciprocate.  But we cannot simultaneously love unconditionally and keep a scorecard.

How do we learn to love others unconditionally?  Practice, practice, practice.  Keep up a consistent sitting practice.  Be totally honest with yourself about your feelings — even, and especially when they are not perfectly loving (but without judging or adding labels of “good” or “bad”).  And, especially, keep in mind that others have the same hopes and fears that we do, and want the same things—to be happy, to be loved, to be free from suffering.